[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
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*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I am crying
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”