So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
You Might Also Like
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili