I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
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If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
an airline just for babies.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.