i will avenge u mr van gogh
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.