“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Batman v Dracula
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else