I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
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I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
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The two types of wives
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.