[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
What the hell happened in there??
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.