“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
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My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus