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BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*