At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
can I use a minion as a tampon
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
how it started vs how it ended
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha