Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
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I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.