Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
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You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you