Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
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Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
the world’s most popular steaming services
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.