At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
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overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me