The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
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*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
every. time.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.