The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
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Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.