Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.