SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
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Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.