*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
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Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
me when i see my girls butt
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My dog learned how to text
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound