My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
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10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
one last job
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss: