oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
bury ourselves
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.