Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
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Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.