COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
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[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Meme Monday.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?