Imagine having a party on purpose.
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“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.