hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
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I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I cannot stop laughing at this
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Stonehinge
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.