I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*