Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree