My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no