Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
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Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
i can’t wait that long
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
LOOOOOOL
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what