You can’t outrun your problems…
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Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.