soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I didn’t realize that was an option
Cannot stop laughing at this
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?