[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
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so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend