People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.