Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
You Might Also Like
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles