Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
You Might Also Like
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
“You drive, I’m tired.”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.