1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.