I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If you know, you know
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife