[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
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Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
This is a bad sign
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen