It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL