New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
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1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Mouse
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.