INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I triple waxed for this?
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman