Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Well, that didn’t work.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.