My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
You Might Also Like
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I鈥檓 set!
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
(yawn)
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I鈥檓 rubbing this lamp
5: I鈥檝e only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that鈥檚 the one you already had on
5: oh
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
馃攰
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
It hurts? That鈥檚 the body鈥檚 way of showing you it鈥檚 healing.
It doesn鈥檛 hurt? That鈥檚 the body鈥檚 way of showing you it鈥檚 healing.
– Doctors
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
daughter: there鈥檚 a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor: