Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I am patiently waiting for your email
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Good morning y’all ☀️
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂