Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.