I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..