Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
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“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.