CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.