Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Received some very disappointing news today
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
3% human
97% stress
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.