Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
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RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.